Allowing the Pain Room to Breathe

I know, you are all shocked that I'm writing again so soon after my last blog. It's so untypical of me. :)

I don't have much to say though the Lord is constantly reinforcing things in my life. I am amazed at how He's changed me. I am amazed and the security I've found in Him and in who I am in Him. Any sign of hurt or pain in my life meant it would get stuffed and I would try to ignore it. I built up a wall to keep people from hurting me, but really it doesn't work. The hurt still hurts, I just stuffed it below my emotions and tried not to deal with the reality of it.

A while back the Lord taught me to live in reality. It's easy to slip away into a fantasy world of movies, tv, books, whatever it was that kept you from dealing with what seemed to be a grim or boring reality. It was never drugs for me, praise the Lord. It was never alcohol. It was more movies and tv to cover the pain. But the Lord convicted me that I always at some point had to come back to reality, so I might as well stay there and deal with things head on as opposed to putting them off.

It had been a while since I'd been made fun of for my beliefs. Usually i don't take those things too personally, but that morning there had been someone else who had seemed to believe some rumors about me that were untrue and she was allowing it to affect the way she interacted with me and a friend of mine. That had hurt because I thought she knew better than to believe rumors, and I didn't understand why she hadn't talked to me about it to find out the truth. So being made fun of was kind of the last straw it took. I felt my emotions coming to the surface in front of my family and i knew for a short time i had to stuff them until I was in a safe place. However, I kept them stuffed a little too long and my heart was hardened to everything around me, my best friend, her family, my dog, everything. I hadn't felt that in a while. I don't like it. I can literally feel a hardening in my chest. Everything tightens and the emotions shut down. It closes everyone out. I didn't care about anything or anyone because i was so intensely focused on being apathetic. I really needed to allow the emotions to come to the surface and to release them into the hands of a Loving Father. He really does want to take our pain. He really does want to hold us as we cry. He really does want our hearts to remain open to Him and to others.

Finally i allowed my heart to open, the pain to surface, and my emotions to express themselves. I allowed myself to cry and release the hurt. Crying is not for sissys. I don't know who ever came up with that idea but it's a lame one. Crying is a God given gift to release the pain and to allow our hearts to remain plyable and open to others and more importantly to Him. When we stuff our emotions we're saying "I don't trust You with this Lord. I don't trust You to handle my pain. I don't trust that Your way of healing is the best. I'll handle it myself thank You." Guess what.... our way is never better than God's. He puts these things into place for a reason. He wants our best and pushing our emotions down is not our best. If we want to become more like Him and more whole in Him, we will have to deal with them at some point. The avoidance game never works for long. As a second degree black belt in Tang Soo Do, we are taught that you can only block someone a couple times before we have to move in and attack. We have to have the same attitude with pain. We may have to stuff it until it can safely be expressed, but then we need to face it head on. We need to allow God's process for healing to soothe our spirits, allow the pain some breathing room, open our emotions, and heal our hearts.

Totally Committed

As always it's been way too long since I've updated my blog. Honestly not much has happened, and yet quite a bit. I am in the process of starting my own ministry with Franny and Jeff called Totally Committed. Yep, it sounds familiar doesn't it? Our heart's desire is to see people walk into their true identity in Christ. There are too many Christians walking around in a shame based faith unable to get out from under the burden of their past, or lies that they've believed about themselves, when all along Jesus is calling out to His Beloved to know that we are more than we think we are! We are His and that's really all that matters. He is Totally Committed to us, to our best, and our best is Him! He is 100% for us and for our good, if we would but listen and obey in this love relationship He draws us to. He is passionate about you and longs for you to know Him intimately so that in knowing Him you can know who He created you and called you to be.

Sorry, i could go on and on. I am excited about the start of this ministry and look forward to the opportunities to speak at churches, camps, conferences, and youth groups. My heart longs for the body of Christ to rise up in it's God given authority to walk with an unveiled face so that others might know Him. My heart is passionate to see this happen.

Aside from that I'll be travelling quite a bit in the next year. The Middle East is coming up in November through e3 Partners (check them out at http://www.e3partners.org/). I'm excited about that trip as it will be more discipleship for the believers there. Then in march I'll be going to Central Europe on vacation with my best friend. I am sooooo excited about that one because it'll be just us travelling around getting into trouble. :) Plus it's a part of Europe I've never been to yet! I love new places! Then in July, my family is going to Kauai. I'm excited about that one as it'll be my first time to Hawaii. The whole family is going too so I'll get to spend time with my nephews and niece and sister and brother and brother in law and sister and law, and the folks. :)

I'm not sure which mission trip I'll take next year, but there is also an opportunity to go to Israel in November, but I'm not sure if i'll get to go. i may not have enough vacation time for that. If not I'll take another trip with e3 to another part of the world. I'm excited. I haven't gotten to travel this much in a while.

Anyway, that's all that's up for now. I need to finish up my work. Someday I'll update this on a regular basis. :) Be sure to check out some incredible missionaries that I've set up links to on my site.

Blessings!